Wednesday, February 2, 2011
The Saddest Anniversary
And then there are anniversaries that are so sad that we even dread their passing. February 3 is one of those anniversaries for us. It is on that day, one year ago, that Mom had to leave us to set her spirit free, to be unchained by the boundaries of this temporal existence we only know as life. It is a day that reminds us of how much we lost, and how deeply we miss her. And while I sense the presence of her spirit, as does Dad on occasion, we would give away every earthly possession and more to have her back with us.
I live mostly in the moment, like most other dogs, so the days sometimes blend together. The past couple of weeks, in fact, began to serve as a reminder to me that something was different. Mostly, I have been reading the cues that Dad exhibits, even though he thinks he is camouflaging them. Sometimes I think he forgets that I'm a dog, and I have a powerful sense of intuition and awareness. I can feel his anxiety and his melancholy whenever we're together, and as the days draw nearer, it gets more intense. He tries hard to put on a brave face, but he'll never beat me in a game of poker.
Grief pursues Dad like a stalker. Though his state of mind has improved during the year, lately I have noticed set backs, more so recently. I've seen Dad recede into himself because he knows the stalker is always near, ready to inflict his mental anguish at any moment, day or night. I've seen Dad melt into a puddle of tears at the sight of a picture of Mom, or a song that he will listen to, but mostly he knows he is going to be assaulted by the stalker that is grief over and over on February 3. I also know that as much as I may try to help, there is nothing I can do to prevent his pain. I can just be there for him, like he was there for Mom in her final days. And like him, I will feel helpless, frightened, frustrated and bitter at the world for taking the most loving person in our lives from us so soon.
I am reminded of sea glass whenever someone says something similar. Our life together, just the three of us, was like a beautiful piece of crystal that was shattered into nothing but shards of broken glass, with no resemblance to the beauty that it once was. Those shards are still razor sharp and cut deeply today, but if you were able to take them and toss them into the ocean, and somehow were able to retrieve them years later, you would have beautiful pieces of glass that would be frosted by the waves and the sand, and the sharp edges would be worn smooth. You could never put the crystal back together, but the pieces are still beautiful individually, like the individual memories of a beautiful person that graced us with her love and affection for a brief moment in time.
Did I say that I need you?
Oh, did I say that I want you?
Oh, if I didn't I'm a fool you see,..
No one knows this more than me.
As I come clean,...
Nothing you would take,..
Everything you gave.
Love you till I die,..
Meet you on the other side.
- Pearl Jam
Posted by Harry